I have always known I’d be doing the work of a parent. This is where I belong. I’m a good Dad. This is what I know before I hear it, and I believe that when you know something before you hear it, that is why you are in the world. Despite this knowing, parenthood isn’t what I thought it’d be. Not so far.
Here are my reflections:
- Parenting is burning black holes in our dark memories. Parenting is an opportunity to relight the candle and find our shadows on the wall.
- Parenting has led me to discover my biological father whom I met at 36. This deepened my understanding of fatherhood by offering me a different perspective of the Dad I’ve always had.
- I didn’t think I’d be a single parent. Being a single parent makes me reflect about my winding road with Love. If I wasn’t a parent, I’m not sure my heart would have reconciled its feast of losses.
- I never thought I’d be separated, and barely know my oldest son who lives in another state (although we’re making progress).
- I didn’t think I’d be living paycheck to paycheck, or feel as if I’m a flat tire away from disaster. I have learned how to make it work. Not just with a tight budget, but in every instance.
Yet, these realities set in motion my resolve to make amends with it all. The buck stops with me. That means a lifetime effort to bring awareness of, and scrape off the sticky spots on the tread of my soul. Especially when it gets messy. Because parenting, if anything, is carrying the weight and never stopping. Each step is a journey. Going all the way is a promise.
Nothing brings me more joy than parenting. I have faith in myself as a parent to Ben, Ella, Lucan and Ada.