They drew first blood. They put the knife in. So I can accuse them, right?
No, that’d be too easy.
Because I know there’s a kernel of truth in what they say. That is why I have to face what’s under my armor of anger. Otherwise if left unchecked, the negative self talk will twist their knife in further.
And damn! I’m pissed that I need to expend all of this energy to witness my feelings, and break the unhealthy patterns and reroute them so it’s not a highway to hell. It’s a dirt road to heal.
But if I don’t, I fall apart. Am I falling apart now?
No! I’m finding worth in this small moment just noting this to myself. “Noting” these feelings stops the chatter. Like it’s in its own compartment now.
This is my truest voice. I trust it. When I have found these deepest of feelings, I’m fortunate that I trust, and have always trusted, this voice as my true North.
I’m going to keep coming to this blog because good lord! I am finding myself here again. One million intricate moves.
I’ll be unpacking this for as long as it took to arrive. There’s peace in that clarity, at least. That makes me stronger.
Done with counseling because it feels like emotional prostitution without end. Done with talking to my usual people, too. I’m tired of hearing my voice dull their listening.
But here, writing at this blog. I trust myself. Something valuable is right around the corner.